Introduction

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hi. Glad you came. "What lies within us." It's a difficult question, and I guess that's why I am attracted to it. It's not something that can be outsourced, purchased, or stolen. Perhaps earned. But, it requires discipline, effort, and trust, and can't be done alone. As you've probably noticed, I am not looking for fantasy or illusion here. If you are, you have my encouragement, and I wish you well in that pursuit, but I am looking for something else... reality, candor, openness, and discretion. We know almost nothing about each other, but enough to proceed, I think. I intend to explore the nature of what lies within, and have a little fun. I invite you to join me.

When I posted an ad on an adult personal site, it was for professional reasons. I had important work to do, and the project required a case study...to work with an anonymous partner I met online. This, of course, requires a certain degree of risk. Most directly, as a married guy, logging in to a site with the slogan "Life is short: have an affair," is not exactly the type of thing easily explained away. But, an author without a spine is like his book, incomplete and miserably-put-together. So, after hesitating for a couple days, I signed up. For this project, courage would simply be one of the requirements.

I decided to be a man of my own age, closely resembling my physical profile, and seeking "A librarian with crotchless panties." The project required a female who was bookish and academic. If she were not actually a librarian, she would perhaps be a student or professor. She might be reserved, even painfully shy. The person who would respond to this ad might have a quiet, unassuming presence. She might be attractive, even beautiful, but possibly mistaken for an insufferable prude. Her dress could be ordinary, and her demeanor calm and consistently proper, perhaps meek. But, for the sake of the project, underneath her long, wavy skirt, she would need to hold a well-kept secret. It was that simple, invisible vulnerability, so hidden, yet so comparatively audacious, and just beneath the surface. It was that quiet, potent impudence that she required as she went about her day. The panties could be crotchless, or they could be altogether absent. Either way, this individual was required for the project at hand...

I pursued this person for a few months with no success, interviewing various candidates online through chat and messages. She was illusive. I had all but given up hope until I was delighted to discover a single message in my inbox. (Men don't get very many messages on those sites, it turns out.) She wrote that she was not a librarian, but was a grad student, and felt almost qualified. She wrote her friends would be shocked to know about her exploits, and that she was looking for one discrete partner. If we connected, the panties she would be wearing would be up to me. We'll call this girl "V."

In my exuberance, I responded with some silly note to her with, predictably, no response. I perused her profile. Moderate height, slim, non-smoker, lives in my town. Everything about her was appropriate, and I reread her message...she did seem qualified. I needed to be careful. It was important to choose the right candidate. Even beginning this project would take time, which was excruciatingly short. After a couple weeks, I decided I had to pursue her, even considering the remote chance she would participate. I proceeded with the project...

I have written memoirs, fiction, and non-fiction, and everything from erotica to technical documentation during my career. For now, I had decided to put conventional writing aside and focus on more fundamental topics...life, intimacy, temperance, authority, truth. Before I was a writer, I was a man, and the man would be the focus of this project, the clean parts, the noble, and the dirty. It would be non-fiction, a memoir at present, or in advance. Everything in it would be sincere, matter-of-fact, and candid. It would be a concise representation of the nature of events as they unfold...as they are unfolding. In fact, its setting merits a change in tense. It is a documentary in real-time, possibly a friendship, a romance, or a slap in the face. It begins with "V," at this moment. It begins with these words, the one you are reading. The story is happening now, as I write. With these words, I am asking for a leap of faith...to trust.

I ask for her to meet with me over coffee for a casual discussion, if she is comfortable, to discuss this project, and maybe catch a glimpse of what lies within. If I receive no response, the story ends here, and this page withers away in cyberspace for eternity. If, however, we do meet, the narrative continues, and I describe the encounter as plainly and accurately as possible. I only ask that when we meet, her panties are crotchless, or altogether absent. If she does not tell me which of these options she has chosen, she can expect that I will find out for myself.